3 Reasons Why Finding The One Might Be a Myth

finding the one

I’m often asked about twin flames, soul mates and finding ‘The One’. Mainly along the lines of, “how do I find my twin flame?” or “I wish I could find my soul mate, where is he?”

My answer to both questions is always a very enthusiastic, “Stop the search! You’ve already found them! Yay!”


It’s true that we can feel like we’re missing our ‘other half’, but that’s because it’s literally true, not because our ‘other half’ is another person – it’s our higher-self. If we don’t make an effort to be in tune with our higher-selves, we’ll feel like something’s missing and look for that ‘something’, externally.

We have many, many, many soul mates. Look around at your family, friends and, yes, even enemies. You’re looking at soul mates. Most of us are swimming in soul mates and so very, very lucky! As for twin flames – they are our spiritual selves, they’re already here, just waiting for us to connect, internally, with them.

Still saying ‘Huh?’ Or, “But what about my Prince Charming?” He’s still around, romantic love can still rock your world and Valentine’s Day is safe – just without any of the pressure you may place on it, by thinking you were put on earth to find ‘The One’.

For more info, below is an article I wrote on The Huffington Post:

3 Reasons Why Finding The One is a Myth

Are you still searching for “The One”? That perfect partner placed on earth specifically for you? Or have you already found ‘The One’… more than once or twice? Falling in love and being in love are wonderful experiences, but we’re missing the point if we think this state of love has anything to do with finding ‘The One’.

The search for – and often subsequent disappointment in – love is one of the world’s leading causes of unhappiness, not to mention being responsible for a tsunami of songs, movies and TV shows that make you want to crawl into a cave and hide forever, least you be pulled into everyone else’s lovelorn misery as well.

Worst of all… we actually sometimes think we like wallowing in said lovelorn misery.

The thing is… finding ‘The One’ is as much of a society-made construct as TV, traffic rules, school uniforms and… well… marriage. Finding ‘The One’ is not a path we must automatically walk in order to have valuable, significant and blissful lives. Most of us, actually, simply find out that there are many ‘The Ones’ along the way.

Does this sound harsh and dream-shattering to you? Or lucky? However you view it, it does have a happy ending and the fairy-tale part of the myth is still available – once the myth is dissolved, if you look in the right place…

Finding the One, Myth Number 1

Successful progression in life means: Education, Career, Meeting “The One,” House, Marriage, Babies. Also — be sure to follow this exact order

We can’t seem to bust out of this particularly limiting myth. Many of you reading this right now may think, “That way of living is so old-fashioned,” but many may think, “What other way is there to live?” Still, others could believe, “But those are the only desires I have.”

Regardless, in this day and age, movies, parents, schools and communities still invest an inordinate amount of time promoting this particular blueprint for life, as if it’s the only one. Hence the feelings of low self-esteem and failure if we haven’t met ‘The One’ by a certain age, or we have several perceived failed relationships or we have to label ourselves a ‘divorcee’.

Think Bridget Jones. Funny, that most of us love her regardless of the humiliating way in which she’s portrayed via not ‘meeting’ society standards…

If we didn’t see this blueprint as mandatory, the meaning behind finding ‘The One’ would become rather insignificant. So, unless following this particular method for a life path really sings to your soul – know that you don’t have strive for, or aim to, do it.

There is no order to do things in, no requirements for what you must do and how you must do it. We have to free ourselves from the illusion that the ‘normal’ way, the ‘way it’s always been done’, is the only way. An easy way to do this is to look at other cultures — it becomes obvious, very quickly, that we only behave as we do because of training, depending on which culture we were raised in. There is no ‘normal’ or right way, there is only YOUR way.

Finding the One, Myth Number 2

Finding “The One” means happily ever after for life

This popular myth suggests we are one-dimensional. That most everything we do must lead only to one desire as the fulfilment of all fulfilments. We can disprove this myth in a second by focusing on other desires we have, all of which are just as significant to our growth, regardless of what the media and society promote.

To use movies as an example again, a “Stepford Wife” is now a well-used term for a perfectly groomed woman with two kids, a handsome, rich husband and a picket fence. That’s it. There’s only so far one can go, in terms of evolvement, confined within these labels.

Why is this stereotype still seeping into the dreams of teenage girls, as their main desire, when they could be manifesting life as an astronaut or an environmentalist or a professional surf bum for that matter? Within living our life purpose, love comes to us as a bonus, a gift, rather than a “Must Do This Before 20 or 30 or 40 to be Accepted” scenario.

The Stepford Wife stereotype obviously doesn’t embrace all the delicious parts of love, partnership and parenthood, a delightful scenario to envision and bring to life; still, it carries much of the blame as to why we think finding ‘The One’ and living the ‘suburban’ ideal of the 50′s is crucial to our happiness, because it’s still upheld as such a worthy and necessary ideal.

Within society, it appears more important to achieve this ideal, than to love ourselves, and put ourselves first. I bet a lot of 50′s housewives were dreaming of careers, travel, equality, being able to put themselves first and loving a man who could cook – let’s remember we are able to do and have all this now, in a way they may not have imagined was possible within the limits of society at the time (and thank you to all our predecessor’s who pushed the limits then, so we have what we have now!).

The only limits now, are strange, crumbling ideals of long-gone ‘rules’, hanging on, like the smell of moth-balls, to those too fearful to change or embrace individuality in a way that advances and expands the whole of humanity.

Finding the One, Myth Number 3

‘The One’ is a person other than ourselves

Considering that the majority of us find many ‘The Ones’ throughout life, as opposed to a life-long partner, it makes statistical sense that ‘The One’ is not, in fact, another person.

‘The One’ we’re searching for, is ourselves. If we still think “The One” is out there, we’re trapped in the illusion of an ideal we didn’t create. We didn’t even have a chance, initially, to pick or choose ideals; we were born into a world that drives concepts such as ‘happily ever after’ to sell Valentine’s Day cards.

When we begin to look for and to know ourselves, we lose all attachment to the notion of ‘The One’ being anyone but ourselves. We lose all desire to try to make ourselves happy through another person or external events.

If you’re single and searching for ‘The One’ right now – stop and look in the mirror. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t giving you happiness, it’s okay; you’re not losing ‘The One’, because you already are that. If you’ve found ‘The One’ and are in total bliss, what you’ve actually found is a most gorgeous experience. If they were to disappear from your life, you would still have YOU. Wonderful, glorious YOU on a journey to fulfil your desires through growth and evolvement, regardless of the presence of ‘The One’.

“Loving yourself does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic or disregarding others. Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honoured guest in your own heart. A guest worthy of respect, a loveable companion.” — Margo Anand

Imagine dropping the whole idea of ‘The One’. Just releasing it like a heavy backpack. Imagine the freedom of knowing, no matter who you’re with or not with, you’ve already found ‘The One’ who means the most? Fall in love with yourself, then all love that comes into your life is free of attachment, free of the ideals of others and, therefore, 100 percent authentic.

Free to simply Be, not the BE all and End all of everything, but simply free to Be, the beautiful experience it is.

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Thanks for sharing!

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