I’m often asked about twin flames, soul mates and finding ‘The One’. Mainly, the questions are along the lines of, “How do I find my twin flame?” Or, “I wish I could find my soul mate, where is he?”
My answer to both questions is always a very enthusiastic, “Stop the search! You’ve already found the one! Yay!”
It’s true that we can feel like we’re missing half of ourselves when we’re single, but that’s usually because it’s literally true, not because our ‘other half’ is another person. It’s your higher-self. If we don’t make an effort to be in tune with our higher-selves, we feel like something’s missing and look for that ‘something’, externally.
We have many soul mates. Look around at your family, friends and, yes, even enemies. You’re looking at soul mates. Most of us are swimming in soul mates and so very lucky because of it.
Back to Prince Charming though. He’s still around, romantic love can still rock your world and Valentine’s Day is safe – just without the pressure you might place on it, by thinking you were put on earth to find The One.
3 Reasons Why Finding The One is a Myth
So, are you still searching for The One? That perfect partner placed on earth specifically for you? Or have you already found The One, more times than you care to think about? Being in love is a wonderful experience, but we’re missing the point if we think this state of love has anything to do with finding The One.
The search for – and often subsequent disappointment in – love is one of the world’s leading causes of unhappiness. Not to mention being responsible for a tsunami of songs, movies and TV shows that make you want to crawl into a cave and hide forever.
Worst of all, we actually sometimes think we like wallowing in lovelorn misery. While it’s great to delve into and release emotions when you break up with someone, doing so just because you don’t have a partner fosters unnecessary unhappiness in life.
The thing is, finding The One is as much of a society-made construct as TV, traffic rules, school uniforms and… well… marriage. Finding The One is not a path we must automatically walk in order to have valuable, significant and blissful lives. Most of us, actually, simply find out that there are many ‘The Ones’ along the way.
Does this sound harsh and dream-shattering to you? Or lucky? However you view it, it does have a happy ending. The fairy-tale part of the myth is still available once the myth is dissolved.
And if you look in the right place.
Finding the One, Myth Number 1
Successful progression in life means: Education, Career, Meeting The One, House, Marriage, Babies. Also — be sure to follow this exact order
In this day and age, movies, parents, schools and communities still invest an inordinate amount of time promoting this particular blueprint for life, as if it’s the only one. Hence the feelings of low self-esteem and failure if we haven’t met The One by a certain age, or we have several failed relationships or we have to label ourselves a divorcee.
For example, think Bridget Jones. It’s interesting that most of us love her regardless of the humiliating way in which she’s portrayed because she constantly fails with regard to society’s standards.
If we didn’t see this blueprint as mandatory, the meaning behind finding The One would become rather insignificant. So, unless following this particular method for a life path really sings to your soul, know that you don’t have to strive to do it.
There is no one way to do things, there are no requirements for what you must do and how you must do it. We have to free ourselves from the illusion that the normal way, or the way it’s always been done, is the only way. To change your mindset, look at other cultures and the incredible variety of blueprints for life. It becomes obvious, very quickly, that we only behave as we do because of training, depending on which culture we were raised in.
There is no normal or right way, there is only YOUR way.
Finding the One, Myth Number 2
Finding The One means living happily ever after for life
This popular myth suggests we are one-dimensional. That most everything we do leads to just one desire as the fulfilment of all. We can disprove this myth in a second by focusing on other desires we have, all of which are just as significant to our growth.
To use movies as an example again, a Stepford Wife is a well-used term for a perfectly groomed woman with two kids, a handsome, rich husband and a picket fence. That’s it. There’s only so far one can go, in terms of evolvement, confined within these labels. Why is this stereotype still seeping into the dreams of teenage girls, when they could be manifesting a life that encompasses so much more?
This blatant stereotype obviously doesn’t embrace all the delicious parts of love, partnership and parenthood, a delightful life to envision and create. Still, it carries much of the blame as to why we think finding The One and living the suburban ideal is crucial to our happiness.
Within living our life purpose, love comes to us as a bonus, a gift. It’s not a ‘must do this before 20 or 30 or 40 to be accepted and happy’ type of deal. Leave that to the movies and the minds of those who are perhaps threatened by anyone colouring outside the lines.
Finding the One, Myth Number 3
The One is a person other than ourselves
Considering that the majority of us find many The Ones throughout life, as opposed to a life-long partner, it makes statistical sense that The One is not, in fact, another person.
The One we’re searching for, is ourselves. If we still think The One is out there, we’re trapped in the illusion of an ideal we didn’t create. We didn’t even have a chance, initially, to pick or choose ideals. We were born into a world that drives concepts such as ‘happily ever after’ to sell Valentine’s Day cards.
When we begin to look for and to know ourselves, we lose all attachment to the notion of The One being anyone but ourselves. We lose the desire to try to make ourselves happy through another person or external events.
If you’re single and searching for The One right now, stop and look in the mirror. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t making you happy, it’s okay. You’re not losing The One, because you already are that. If you’ve found The One and are in total bliss, what you’ve actually found is a gorgeous experience. If they were to disappear from your life, you would still have YOU. Wonderful, glorious YOU on a journey to fulfil your desires through growth and evolvement, regardless of the presence of a life partner.
“Loving yourself does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic or disregarding others. Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honoured guest in your own heart. A guest worthy of respect, a loveable companion.” — Margo Anand.
Imagine dropping the whole idea of The One. Just releasing it like a heavy backpack. Imagine the freedom of knowing, no matter who you’re with or not, you’ve already found The One who means the most? Fall in love with yourself, then all love that comes into your life is free of attachment, free of the ideals of others and, therefore, authentic.
Rather than love as the BE all and end all, simply let it BE the beautiful experience it is, whether it’s love for yourself or Prince Charming.